Lessons Learned

Three years ago today, I was living what would be my last days of “normal” life; the final days before I would learn that I was walking around with a large cancer tumor in my left breast. This past week, marked a step forward in returning to normal life as I met with my radiologist for the final time. 

New beginnings and starting over are always so hard. It takes time to get adjusted to new ways of doing things, new people, new rules, new anxieties, and new expectations. We’re scared, yet at the same time excited because new beginnings mean new opportunities and new ways to prove to ourselves how strong we can be and what we can achieve. 

For me, radiation marked the beginning of the third phase in beating cancer. It brought out new feelings of anxiety that I didn’t know I would have, new rules to get adjusted to, and unlike chemo, gradual long term effects and reactions versus immediate. I am not strong all the time, and entering the radiation phase was a perfect example. I was anxious, I was scared, I cried, I felt vulnerable. I was sick of hearing numbers, percentages and statistics. I was angry that I was having to worry about heart problems, lung problems and secondary cancers down the road from something that I needed to cure what I had in the moment. I momentarily felt helpless in a situation that felt out of my control. But I allowed my new nurse to comfort me, and I exchanged jokes with my new team to help ease the anxiety, the fear and the vulnerability. I got to pick out the music of my choice to listen to while I laid in the multi million dollar machine that was going to blast away any remaining bad cells. 

As I laid on the table my very first radiation session, I remember listening to Mumford and Sons, and allowing two tears to roll down my cheeks before I took one last deep breath and told myself that as with everything else, this too shall pass. I reminded myself that as important it is to allow yourself to feel your emotions, to allow yourself to live them, don’t ever let them consume you. 

On the day of my last radiation treatment, and as the Rolling Stones’ Wild Horses played over the speaker above my head, I sighed a huge sigh of relief. It slowly began to sink in that I had once again overcome a huge obstacle, finishing a task that some days felt like it would never end. It was jumping over the third hurdle that cancer had thrown at my feet; I had conquered surgery, chemotherapy and now radiation.

I will be forever thankful to Dr. T and his radiation technicians, who day after day for 33 days provided me with laughs, good music and the needed pat on the back on the days I allowed the tears to fall. And while I’m happy to be able to move one step further away from the chaos of doctors appointments, breast exams coming from four different sets of hands, and the repetitious account of medical history, it also leaves a sense of yearning for those same exact things as they now serve as a protective layer against the unknown.

My lesson learned throughout my cancer journey has been to find your motivation and your strength and to use them to turn new beginnings into new opportunities, whatever those may be. I’ve learned that when all else fails, turn on some good tunes and chill. Give yourself time to feel. Feel scared. Feel vulnerable. Feel angry. And then feel strong. 

And, as always, remain optimistic. Cautiously optimistic, but optimistic all the same.